Note: I had unpublished, these biographical notes a little while ago because I felt ashamed and was not completely convinced if it would help others to share so much about my journey. If I still have some way to go in my own healing, I know that I was questioning my own need to stay engaged in the debate. Many thanks to all other survivors' efforts in breaking the silence. Many thanks to all of those who have taken the pledge to help in ending rape and rape culture. Without their contagious courage, my words would have stayed unpublished and my own project for survivors, shelved. Bless them all.
First Movement — The Joyful Dance of an Incidental Revolutionist
As a multidisciplinary artist born in Montreal, I have lived several lives. As a survivor I roamed for miles in silence, until recently. I finally reclaimed my voice.
With an accomplished pianist as a mother, I read music before I read words. As a teenager, I indulge in forbidden pleasures and thwart the fate expected of a “girl-from-a-good-family”. I finish top of the class in classical guitar, but I crave adventure. I migrate towards the “humanities” and “Rock’n’Roll”.
Motorcycles, towns, cities, guitars, touring, modeling, love interests, and music studies at the Université de Montréal are the meanderings of my daily life, I fear nothing. The future is full of promise.
As a teenager, it is on bass guitar that I make my debut on the “rock” scene. Patrick Bourgeois, now famous with his band “The BB”, gives me that first chance.
A longed -for opportunity arrives and I join with my three childhood friends. The all-female, alternative band, Blue Oil is born. Eventually, one band member leaves the group. I become lead guitarist. We are audacious and we are quickly noticed.
Blue Oil performs on TV variety shows, and hundreds of stage shows. We record a 45 and the soundtrack for Nicole Giguère’s documentary On fait toutes du show-business (We’re all in show business). I give my last performance at Club Soda before leaving the group of friends whom have grown into fine young women.
I walk into motherhood as my first son is born.
Second Movement - The Trapped Waltz
Two months after the birth of my child , in the heart of my neighbourhood, I am the victim of a repeat sexual predator. I attend the slaying of my own soul while on the other side of the boutique's window the summer sun dips and shines onto Rue Saint-Denis, which itself over flows with life.
Winter arrives and against all odds, I rush to the faculty of music. Disoriented. I no longer hear the cadences. All that was, is no more. I surrender.
A three-year battle against IVAC, begins. The organization responsible for administering the Crime Victims Compensation Act and its indemnities callously deny me the help I need.
Eight months pregnant and happily preparing for motherhood while studying at Université de Montréal. I commuted with my red Peugeot bicycle most of the time and more afraid to see it stolen than anything else. Nothing could happen to me. I was strong and bold.
It will never be the same, but what does it really mean? It means sad, hurting, being afraid, numb, paralysed inside and out and never having enough energy to sustain my dreams. The world suddenly silenced out.
Third Movement - The Chaconne
Whatever the cost, I am determined to undertake new projects. With the band Sense of Doubt and a solid demo, and with my singer and collaborator, Elana Harte. I find myself in California at the offices of Geffen Records . Meanwhile, in Montréal, Jane McGarrigle shows an interest in our work. There are some shows and a production of a new layout with Elana Harte, Jean-François Lemieux on bass guitar, Johanne Blondin on drums, and Glen Robinson as producer.
I add Bel Canto vocal lessons to this mix which allows me to assume the role of singer and guitarist in the project Cloak and Dagger. It is the fall of 1996, the music album “Grey Zone” is released.
With hammers and nails, fear and courage, I begin to build our family house. Simultaneously, with this project, the birth of my second son and an apparent calm environment, the evolution of the family business, Martin Roy et associés, a bioclimatic engineering firm, becomes the challenging priority.
In 2002, citizen activism helps me reconnect with the world. I am co-founder of the Deux-Montagnes Citizens Committee . I am chair until 2005.
In 2004, invited by Daniel Breton , I become a member of the executive board committee, and participate in the creation of the Coalition Québec-Vert-Kyoto.
In 2005, noticing my ideations in promoting a “green vision,” the City of Deux-Montagnes invites me to sit on The Advisory Planning Committee.
In 2008, I become a member of the Board of Directors and the Executive Committee of the Fondation Rivières. In concert, I campaign for the Green Party of Canada. As a candidate in three elections, I am named the Quebec Representative to the Federal Council.
During this period of life, my guitars rest, suspended on the walls. Only the wind manages to animate them by blowing through the strings and into the rosettes making my acoustic instruments sing. My beloved electric Gibson guitar remains unplugged. It is voiceless.
I worked hard at trying to keep it all together. Afraid and nervous I felt my loss intellectually and physically, but I could not say a word about it. I had to find a way to be strong. Any task that I had to do was demanding a lot of energy from me, making it impossible to be as fast as anyone else. I pursue a few art projects which help me to keep my sanity.
Activism was good for me and a way to embrace causes that were important. It is only in the recent years that I was able to engage in the cause that was the most dear to me: Survivors of Rape.
Fourth Movement - Bolero
In 2006, I decide to brave the weather and my fragility and finally pick up a guitar.
In 2007, I take steps to see my attacker labelled “dangerous offender” - but he is released. The PTSD of my story that I had gone great lengths to keep under lock and key becomes exacerbated by this process. There's no question of giving up on this battle that seems to have lasted my entire life.
In 2009, I apply with Berklee College of Music Online, a sector of The Berklee College of Music in Boston MA. With the dizziness, or not, another new life begins.
In 2010, I win the celebrity-sponsored “Steve Vai Guitar Scholarship” at Berklee. I am no virtuoso, but simply a student committed to perfecting this art that I have made my own.
In 2011, I see my attacker again. His latest crimes have caused much ink to been spilled in the news and space consumed in various forms of media, as they report on his latest crimes. I dream to hear the judge announcing what I hope to be this rapists final sentence.
In this same year, despite my desperate need to be supported in my approach to life, my life accomplice leaves me. I am forced to return to the scene of my own life and I ask IVAC to re-open my case.
I will take the time it takes.
With my son Loup Enzo ! Sharing my music passion with my sons is important, but so is sharing my story. Neither I or they should feel ashamed and I know that one day in their own way, their awareness will contribute to ending rape culture.
Yes, I have a service dog!
Then this...
There are still many challenges ahead of me and I have not completely won my own war with trauma, but while achieving a dual Bachelor degree in Music Business and Production with Berklee College of Music Online, I remain committed to my art and my cause. Rape culture has to end. Breaking the silence is key, but someone's got to start listening.
The Fifth Movement − Coda The 9th
Convinced that change is a matter of individual and collective responsibility, I draw on my life experiences to complete the projects that are close to my heart.
I am continuing my studies to finish a Dual Bachelor of Professional Studies in Songwriting online with the renowned Berklee College of Music.
I invest in my healing, my service dog and the growth of my new professional goals.
The Great Hippocampus Question.
As a reborn Montreal Based artist and guitar player, I am now taking on the challenge of an interdisciplinary art project to raise awareness of rape stigmas. - See more at: http://mmbedard.com
Thanks to:
My friends and family for their valuable comments, and for listening. Special thanks to Sylvaine, Vincent, Marie-Christine, Stacey, Anne-Martine and Claude. Also many thanks to Dany Brouillette for her revisions and Stéphanie Amesse, Nicole Giguère, Michel Paul, Daniel Desmarais and Andrée Martin for their photos.